I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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