have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
