when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
not ubering you a puppy
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
