Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
