All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
