He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
