I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
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i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
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I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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