Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
