i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
