Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
