well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
