false alarm. still invincible.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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