do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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