Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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