Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Say something about gay babies.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
