Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
