Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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