I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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