Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
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He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
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those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You're a waste of cheezeits
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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