My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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