i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
