I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Floor bacon is actually really good
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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