dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
