Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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