dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
