I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
