If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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