my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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