just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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