totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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