Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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