i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just threw up on my dentist
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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