ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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