need another drink. this is the easiest way
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Randomize
