I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
