We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
