Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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