Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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