Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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