drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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