The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
