so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
