swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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