remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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