apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
