ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
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Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
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Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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