...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
