I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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