It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
