when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
