I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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