How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
