I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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