I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
