dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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