I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
