Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
