why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
