He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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